I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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