I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
