my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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