we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
