The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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