I just threw up on my dentist
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
