Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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