Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
