As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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