My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
