I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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