Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
