The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
