im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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