he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
