guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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