i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
