Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
