Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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