DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
