I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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