Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
