I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
