How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize