Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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