and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
