new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
