You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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