I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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