Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
