Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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