i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
