last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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