I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
