I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
