I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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