im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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