May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
