I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
