Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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