My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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