My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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