More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
