Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
