you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
