John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
