Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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