If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize