i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
