Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
