Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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