Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
