i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
