Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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