sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize