In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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