Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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