Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize