I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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