All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize