I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
