someone threw a dead crab at me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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